two years.
LonelyDamn.
Also, I'm majorly sorry for all the old crap I posted. Some of it was just bad, but there was soo much that was just complete, utter crap.
And somehow. A lot of those posts started with
"I don't know why, but I kind of like this!"
What the shit. All of my old crap art was just that--crap. I must have been fcking retard two years ago.
Not to say that I've gotten much better at art or being a person.
Because I truly haven't.
I've kind of been reading some stuff on the internets and realizing how lame I really am.
I never do anything. Ever. I draw less and less and what I do draw makes me want to cry so bad.
I never read. I used to read, but never as much as I would have liked to. But now. I just don't. Earlier this year I could finish a few simple books and such. But anymore I just. Don't. I makes me depressed. I have never read any classics. I read the first eleven pages of Pride and Prejudice. I don't even read anything now. I need to. But every time I try, I always wander back across my room to this portal to just take me away to a place where I have people to talk to about things that don't involve homework or school. Right now I'm trying to read and old copy of Redwall that I got from some guy at school last year because he hated it and tried to throw it away. So now I have it. Always kind of wanted to read the series. So I started Redwall. I like it. It's interesting, different, and the vocabulary is generally just on a higher level than most things I've read. Which is sad. (Also, I have just about the worst possible vocabulary in the world. My most commonly used word is probably "sucks".) Also, I don't read very fast. I mean, I can. But I always get distracted. Not necessarily by something, just... distracted. I lose interest in what I'm reading. I have noticed a few times where I can just read through a page and not even realize how far I got before glancing up just to stare at a wall that didn't even move. I am physically capable of reading properly, but I can't. Damnit. I'm never in the mood to read anymore and I just don't want to. There are so many books I would like to read. It's not that they aren't interesting when I do read them. I just can't read them.
I know nothing about the world. I know nothing about science. I know nothing about how to talk to people. I know nothing about law. I know nothing about typing. I know nothing about the things I would like to know about. I know nothing about what's going on. I know nothing about anything.
I would like to say that while I waste time on the internet, I'm actually learning something. Well, I'm not. I'm not learning anything except what a lame person I am and what a lame personality I have.
I would like to say that I have quite a few really good friends on the internet that I talk to all the time. But I don't. Now it's only ever a few people. (read: about one or two)
I would like to say that I listen to music a lot and I have preferences and I have a wide variety of the kind of thing I like. Well, I have preferences and I do like a wide variety of music. But I don't listen to music all that much. I'm too lazy to buy it off of iTunes or go to a store or something. I'm trying to avoid ripping music off the internet. So. I just don't listen to music all that much. I have very few songs on my iPod (which I don't take places anyway). There are also many artists I would like to listen to and songs I should hear sometime but I know I never will.
I would like to have a bit more common sense, basic logic and knowledge, and just generally know crap. I would also like to be one of those people who is full of random, useless facts.
I would like to be funny and able to make witty remarks. Hahhaha. Yeah, I do. Sometimes. But rarely. I'm not a quick-witted person.
I need to get things together for school. How the hell am I passing this year? I don't think I have completed a single homework assignment that I didn't stay up late to finish. We are currently working on westerns for school. The fourth and final chapter is due tomorrow (later today). I am having a problem wrapping up my story, so instead I am coming here to rant about everything that is currently bothering me about myself.
Just now remembering the standardized tests I took a few weeks ago, I feel like crying, dying, or suiciding. History. Ancient, world, American. I failed that test. I failed it so hard. I wrote down random nonsense for the extended response questions and missed about half of the multiple choice. I really hate myself for that. I didn't mean to. I wanted to study so bad, but I kept thinking I didn't need it. This year I had a prep class for it. It was supposed to review all of the major topics. What did it teach me? That I thought I knew everything I needed to know. I was planning on borrowing a text book from my history teacher from two years ago to relearn/skim the old material. I thought I really needed it, and I did. But I also had faith in my prep-class teacher that we'd review it all this year and that I wouldn't need it. People got me into believing that I'd do half decent on that test. I didn't. I know I didn't. And I'm not sure if I'll be able to get into AP next year. It's really depressing me. I don't even want to know what I got. I want to cry. I want to die. I want to retake that damn test after relearning all of that damn stuff I should've known. I'm upset.
(On another note, I near-aced English, math, and science. Whatever.)
I have... what? Four friends? Five? Number doesn't really matter to me, but I'd at least like to be a little closer to a few more people. Also, my friends are rather dull. Not entirely, but they're the same. Every day. I hang out with them. Every day. We talk about the same things at lunch. Every day. We do the same things. Every day. We even sit the same way around the table at lunch. Every day. They don't fascinate me in any way. Every day. Then I come home to the internets where I thought I had more friends. Where'd they all go? Who were they, anyway? Did I really even talk to as many people as I thought I did? And why is no one ever up at night with me? I get lonely. I get sad.
My schedule for next year is looking like crap.
English
Biology
Geometry
History
French
German
study hall
Chorus (maybe?)
I will have no lunch, so it might work. But it'll all have to fit just right. I really want those two languages.
I had something else I really wanted to say. But I just forgot it.
My room. Is horrible. I have a few pictures on the walls and nothing interesting. Bleh.
I need new clothes. I can never find anything I like at stores so I end up buying something that isn't completely horrible just because I really hate shopping. I want to start just getting t-shirts off the internet. But I never know where to find them and I don't even know what kind of thing I want.
Again with the homework thing. I think this western might decompose in front of me as I type this and slowly watch people logging off of MSN. Not that I'm talking to anyone, anyway. I was. She logged. I'm lonely. ._.
I need a better vocabulary and way of wording things and telling stories and whatever. I use basic words and descriptions and basically, I just fail.
(Also, I totally just hit something that took me back a page and about died of shock thinking that this whole thing might be gone.)
I need a life. Yeah, lives are overrated, I know. But I don't do anything. Shit. I don't even go to the library. But haha. I can't read anyway.
I have no reason to be depressed but I am all the time anyway.
I'm also really annoying. Like, extremely. I don't know why. I'm not *always* annoying. And I don't feel like I'm annoying until I annoy someone just because I'm bored. And then I keep going. And going. And going. And going. And going. And going.
Also, there's this western sitting on my desk. It's looking very... puke-on-able. *pukes*
I am running out of things to put up here, but I know I have a lot more.
Oh. We're going to have a pool this year. I lovelovelove our pool and I lovelovelove swimming. Last year the liner was ripped and we didn't have time to fix it that summer. So it's being fixed now. Won't be able to swim for a while, but that's okay. Eh. Probably get tired of swimming anyway. No one to swim with. Dad hops in for a few seconds to cool off from bike rides. Mom's too cold to get in the not-cold water. My dog doesn't swim. And Eris dislikes swimming/being blind.
What do I have? Really, what do I have? I have a nice house with a nice family and I'm not as dumb as is physically possible. I don't give people what they deserve and sometimes I'm okay with that. I don't like people. They annoy me. If they do something mean, obviously I'm mad. If they try to do something nice but do it in a way that I don't like it, I get frustrated. I'm just an overall ungrateful person. Unless someone does something nice that I approve of. Then I'm overly thankful and cheerful to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if people think I'm being fake.
Hm. I can still do back layouts (on my trampoline. think I meant on the floor and you're overestimating me a *little*), which makes me happy. Not very well or anything, but I can do them. And I miss acro. A lot. Not the people (well, one) or the coach. Just the gym and the sport.
School. Is depressing. Three weeks and then I go to DC. And then I come home, breathe about twice, and off to summer gym + bike trip that is 35 miles each way. Down and back, man, down and back (but only once).
This is about the longest journal I have ever written. And I don't feel like stopping. For some reason, when I rant, my typing skills just get better. Something about typing exactly what I feel without having to appear one way or the other is just easier. Maybe that should be telling me something.
I'm trying to think of something right now. But I can't. I don't know what else to say. Augh. Maybe I will stop here. I really should write that western, anyway. I have about five hours if I don't feel like sleeping tonight. Which wouldn't bother me. But if I'm still finishing it at the last moment, I'll start freaking out. And if I finish it now and then sit around, I will end up sleeping. Which might bother me a little, but I do need sleep sometime. I just... don't like it.
My left brain is telling me to continue this rant, because if I'm going to lay everything out, I need to put it all down in ink (?) just so I'm not forgetting something. DAMNIT. It doesn't have to be in an organized list for it to be there. Just ask the right side of my brain. D:
I do not feel very good right now, either. And I'm wondering what the hell I'm living for. I'm going to go through life and it's struggles. I'll meet people. I'll make friends. I'll draw. I'll form some kind of life. Probably a shitty one involving me living in a friend's basement. I already have a few offers. I'll listen to a few more songs. I'll get rickroll'd. I'll rickroll. (Also, I got rickroll'd by an RL friend today. In a rather lame fashion. And he actually just found out what rickrolling meant like... two days ago. That made me sad.) I'll cook and bake and eat. I'll get sick. I'll feel lonely. I won't feel loved. I might meet some internet friends. I'll cry. I'll feel lonely again. And then I'll die. Just what is the point of all of this torture? If the end goal is death and the middle of it doesn't please me, this is just that, isn't it? Torture. I don't understand. And I probably never will.
*sigh*
It's western time. I'm hopping to end it with:
Johnny shot the bad guy. The town was happy. Johnny cried cause he knew he would die without the doctor. Johnny rode out of town on a horse with tears streaking down his face. Johnny wasn't very happy.
edit: Cinco de Mayo, bitches.
edit: I need someone to talk to. Badly. I can't stay focused on my western (or anything) without someone. Even if it's just an open MSN conversation with someone who's actually online. I really don't care. I just need to talk to someone. I think I am getting prairie fever from the humming of my computer. Also, for some reason, my typing seems really loud right now. And somehow journaling seems to be my open MSN conversation right now. So. Here I continue this long rant crap. Even thought I have nothing to stay. I swear I will get on track soon. But really, it might kill me. You know. Sitting here, listening to my computer and trying to ignore the high-pitched buzzing noise my printer makes when it is plugged in. Only thing I dislike about it. Everything else is amazing. I'd turn on music but I don't want to. I listen to the same few songs all the time. And some of them just make me really mad. I have no idea why, but it makes me frustrated just listening to the same thing. However, I am too lazy to go find something new. It'd probably upset me, too, because I despise change. So journal it is, to keep me sane. But it uh... kind of doesn't work quite the same as MSN. I'm not waiting for it to respond to me, or subconsciously thinking on what to say next. So I doubt that I will be able to retain my sanity if I leave this journal to go write a western, even if I click back every two words. I am depressed. And lonely. I feel like I'm the only one living right now.
It's 1 am, which isn't late. But I feel like it's the dead middle of the night. But that no longer exists for me, because I have recently (last year) realized that between midnight/1 am and 6 am there is not an endless amount of time and a dark abyss that conceals everything. There are, instead, actual minutes that tick away, turning time into nothingness. I no longer feel that no matter how much work I have to do or how late I stay up, I will still be able to get it done if I don't fall asleep. Now I just see that if I don't do anything soon, I will run out of time, whether I doze off or not. It's 1freaking30 and for some reason I am thinking it's late. It seems so early. I have time, I know I do. But when I count the hours and the words that I still need to type, it seems so short. It won't take me long, no. But I have a special way of wasting away my time. I can be sitting in front of my computer, typing nothing, watching nothing, listening to nothing, saying nothing, looking at nothing, and still. And still, in the night, hours can slip by me, unnoticed. Why do I stress out over all of these things? I really shouldn't. This shouldn't be hard. But I just don't want to do this. I don't feel like it. And why is it always late into the night before that I am wishing for one more day to complete the assignment? I know very well that day that if I don't finish it, I will have to stay up late working on something. But that doesn't concern me until I have to face the dreaded, procrastinated work.
--
Happyness is . . . pursuing a dream.
*Writers-Club
--
ch-check it~: [link]
hi
--
~When in doubt, blame global warming.~
~Maddimind
--
~When in doubt, blame global warming.~
~Maddimind
hi
--
...
Nekoheehee: yeah... when can we get married?
silver-phoenix103: ...when we have enough cash?
Nekoheehee: ... meh
silver-phoenix103: i wish now
Nekoheehee: when can we run away together?
silver-phoenix103: <3
...
--
Writers Block is my Arch Nemesis. It is Evil, and must be Destroyed.
／l、
ﾞ（ﾟ､ ｡ ７ Kitteh!
l、ﾞ ~ヽ
じしf_, )ノ
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